For the love of Pete.
I’m sure you all have seen the ‘terror threat’ warnings about people trying to smuggle bomb parts onto airplanes. And that some of these smugglers used cheese in the place of actual explosives.
I’m already anticipating a bumpy ride on the plane with the Sassy Princess in tow. And I already have to sacrifice her favorite juice box because of the no liquid ban. But now?! I’m afraid to pack her favorite string cheese for fear they’ll earmark me as an evildoer and I’ll have to endure a cavity search while the headlines blare: “Unassuming Mom Packs Contraband Cheese For Nefarious Purposes. Toddler In Tow Will Not Cooperate With Authorities. News At 9!”.
What do they do with these insane people who construct cheese bombs at the airport? Do they ship them to Guantanamo? Hide them in secret CIA shelters for secret tortures in secret countries? Whatever they’re doing, it’s not working. They are not discouraging would be terrorists from doing whatever it is they like to do with cheese and cell phones.
I have a solution. Take them. Lock them up. Attach a speaker to their cells. Put on a tape of what a 3 year old sounds like on a cross country airplane ride without her favorite cheese and juice box. Play it continuously. Over and over. 24/7. In fact, I’m going to take a recording of what the Sassy Princess sounds like when we endure such a flight on Friday…they can use that feedback. I know what it does to me, hearing the shrieks and wails and whines and tantrums. And I’m a hardened mom–usually I can block out the fevered pitch of kids throwing fits. But 3 year olds have a certain frequency that induces migraines, seizures, and nerve damage to everyone within hearing distance…all at the same time.
That’s what I’d like to do to these freaks who deprive me of innocent cheese on an airplane for my toddler.