This whole weekend, I’ve felt slightly disturbed. Off kilter. Strange, in a undefinable way.
PMS? Check. But not totally it.
It’s like that feeling where you know you’re forgetting something, but can’t think of what it is. A nagging.
And then I figured it out.
I feel intolerant.
This is something new for me. I spent my whole life being very tolerant. A pushover, really. Whatever was good for other people was good for me. I wanted to be friends with everyone, and wanted everyone to like me. A people pleaser.
I think some of that was youth and insecurity, and some of it was a coping mechanism. The older I got, the more sure of myself I became…but always being mindful to put others first.
I reached a breaking point, 3 years ago, revolving around the decision to homeschool. From Kindergarten on, I had listened to other people tell me what was best for the Naturalist…I had put ‘expert opinions’ before my own, and had tried to make various teachers and a school system happy before my own child’s happiness. When I finally broke with the system, something else broke in me, too.
Some people choose to homeschool naturally and proactively. But for me, it was a reactive decision and filled with lots of dissapointment and anger. And a vow that I would never place myself in a situation where other people would determine how my family and I lived.
I turned inward, focused singlemindedly on how to best provide an open, stable, joyous, tolerant, and learning environment.
And here I am, having found a balance at home and with school, but feeling totally unbalanced now that I’m venturing out into the world. My math club post last week put it in black and white. Am I really freaked out by worksheets at a museum? Rules at a Bingo game? Really? I think my issues with people in “I (heart) Jesus” shirts is more explainable…once I took my sister to a Christmas church function and she became visually aggitated by (as she put it) “all these happy people in christmas sweaters”. So, it’s weird, but I think it’s genetic.
In any case, if I’m going to follow through with getting out in the community more, then I’m going to have to face up to the fact that I’ve gone from pushover to beyotch, and I’ve got to tone it down. My new balance will be finding how to have opinions about my own life and family while respecting the choices and opinions of other people. Without being snarky.
It’s too late to go back and change the math club post, to make it seem like I have none of these issues at all…so I was hoping it would fade into oblivion and be read by only, like, 2 people. However, when I logged on imagine my horror when I found it’s been read by pretty much everyone in the continental US by now. It’s the dark side of blogging–that feeling that what you’ve shared is more revealing than you thought.
So, here it is. I have some new resolutions for 2008…relax. Live and let live. Let go of the residual anger. Stop being so beyotchy.