Reevaluating

This whole weekend, I’ve felt slightly disturbed. Off kilter. Strange, in a undefinable way.

PMS? Check. But not totally it.

It’s like that feeling where you know you’re forgetting something, but can’t think of what it is. A nagging.

And then I figured it out.

I feel intolerant.

This is something new for me. I spent my whole life being very tolerant. A pushover, really. Whatever was good for other people was good for me. I wanted to be friends with everyone, and wanted everyone to like me. A people pleaser.

I think some of that was youth and insecurity, and some of it was a coping mechanism. The older I got, the more sure of myself I became…but always being mindful to put others first.

I reached a breaking point, 3 years ago, revolving around the decision to homeschool. From Kindergarten on, I had listened to other people tell me what was best for the Naturalist…I had put ‘expert opinions’ before my own, and had tried to make various teachers and a school system happy before my own child’s happiness. When I finally broke with the system, something else broke in me, too.

Some people choose to homeschool naturally and proactively. But for me, it was a reactive decision and filled with lots of dissapointment and anger. And a vow that I would never place myself in a situation where other people would determine how my family and I lived.

I turned inward, focused singlemindedly on how to best provide an open, stable, joyous, tolerant, and learning environment.

And here I am, having found a balance at home and with school, but feeling totally unbalanced now that I’m venturing out into the world. My math club post last week put it in black and white. Am I really freaked out by worksheets at a museum? Rules at a Bingo game? Really? I think my issues with people in “I (heart) Jesus” shirts is more explainable…once I took my sister to a Christmas church function and she became visually aggitated by (as she put it) “all these happy people in christmas sweaters”. So, it’s weird, but I think it’s genetic.

In any case, if I’m going to follow through with getting out in the community more, then I’m going to have to face up to the fact that I’ve gone from pushover to beyotch, and I’ve got to tone it down. My new balance will be finding how to have opinions about my own life and family while respecting the choices and opinions of other people. Without being snarky.

It’s too late to go back and change the math club post, to make it seem like I have none of these issues at all…so I was hoping it would fade into oblivion and be read by only, like, 2 people. However, when I logged on imagine my horror when I found it’s been read by pretty much everyone in the continental US by now. It’s the dark side of blogging–that feeling that what you’ve shared is more revealing than you thought.

So, here it is. I have some new resolutions for 2008…relax. Live and let live. Let go of the residual anger. Stop being so beyotchy.

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7 Responses

  1. I’m right there with you, hon. My number one resolution for 2008 was going to be “stop being such a snarky bitch”, but Joe talked me down. Seems he was hoping for something like “shave legs more often” or “bake brownies once a week”, and he thinks my snarkiness is part of my charm. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Still – trying to be nicer. Not really getting anywhere with it, but trying.

  2. I found your bog recently and can see that we have some things in common – my husband can’t believe how hsers can be and then how I and our family can fit in. But we do. I’ve been hsing for 9 years now and though we float in and out of groups – stay until I can’t be tolerant anymore ๐Ÿ™‚ because my buttons have been pushed too much – I do love it. I EMBRACE our family life and how hsing gives us so much freedom to explore the things my kids are interested in.

    As for math club, we haven’t tried anything like that but what I have found is that some things that bother me or my husband just are off the kids’ radar and that is probably a good thing. Even I can learn more about myself and my issues as I hs my kiddos.

  3. Oh no. It’s february for you to? I hate February. it makes me think about things! *GASP*

    Just so you know… we are “reactive unschoolers” as well. ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. I so totally feel you as well!

    My resolution for this year was to relax. So far its working pretty well for us. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. If’n you’re interested, I’ve got some love for you at OLM.
    Come by anytime to get it.
    xo
    Steph

  6. I think that feeling “snarky” is what happens when we feel so threatened for so long. It’s natural, it’s normal, and it will eventually fade away. I promise that one morning you’ll wake up and it won’t be there. Everything will just be….Zen. Hugs to you and yours.

  7. I think that you might be finding yourself in a pendulum swing. You were far to one side for a long, long time, and when it finally dropped free, of course you swung far to the other.

    For me, things like this are tough because I so believe that raising children with unconditional love and understanding and acceptance will save the world.
    I also believe that the way we (in our mainstream society) treat our children is the way that women (and slaves and serfs) were treated for a long, long time, with assumptions that others were superior and knew what was best for us, with pats on the head and there-there’s little lady.
    Most insulting! It’s the same, for me.

    So I agree with Sheri-luv, I think that maybe acknowledging and honoring your feelings is important, and might more quickly settle you down into a comfortable place of being.

    xxoo and much loves to you.
    Steph

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