Hi. I’m the Sassy Princess. I’ll be 4 in May! Some people tell me this is old enough to go potty on the toilet, and I tell them what I’m about to tell you: I don’t like the toilet. The toilet is too boring. I’m too busy to use it. I don’t like that big freaky toilet, not at all.
I don’t even like the little, toddler sized toilet.
I don’t even like the upgraded toddler sized toilet that sings and lights up. I went on it once to see what the deal was, but pretty soon found out it was the same old, same old and refused to go near it again. I may be little, but I’m not dumb. And putting stickers on it doesn’t help, either.
I have something to say to all the other toddlers out there, enduring the pressure to conform to ‘the man’ and use the toilet like all the other ‘big kids’. First of all, you can be a big kid and NOT use the toilet. If your mom or dad try to guilt you into using the toilet by saying “only babies use diapers”, then at the first opportunity make sure to use that to your favor, and when a stranger tells you “Oh! What a big kid you are!” say something like, “No, my mamma says I’m still a little baby because I don’t use the toilet”. Make sure, when you say this, that you have a really sad face. Your mom or dad will feel so bad they tried to bully you into using the toilet by implying you are a baby, they won’t ever say that again.
Another thing: parents LOVE to bribe you with stuff if you’ll just sit on the potty. Once, I ate coffee cake and chocolate milk all day–and the only thing I had to do was tell her I’d sit on the infernal toddler toilet!
They’ll offer you lots of things…M&M’s, matchbox cars, trips to Chuck E. Cheese…so what you need to do is extort them for more stuff. Want a cookie? Just say, “Can I have a cookie if I sit on the toilet?” Want lots of stories read to you? Just say, “Will you read to me on the toilet?” Want a pony? Just say, “If I sit on the toilet, will you give me a real live pretty pony with a rainbow mane and stars for eyes?” and they’ll be so desperate, they will totally get one for you! Really, this never gets old.
This isn’t to say it’s a cake walk, eating junk all day and getting whatever you want. Because they want more than you sitting on the potty, they’ll want to see some results in the form of a tinkle sound or big plop. This is when you have to stand up for yourself. Find your boundaries and really stick with them. Parents getting too pushy and doing all they can to bribe, guilt, or punish you to produce a big poop? Fight back and just stop pooping! It’s kind of tough at first, because when poop wants to come out, it’s really hard to stop it. I’ve found it effective to come up with a little ‘Poopy Dance’ to keep it up there, as well as a kind of high pitched cry. Your tummy will probably hurt, but this will take attention off your lack of potty training and onto your distressing physical and psychological state. An added bonus is if they start offering you treats to just poop again, even if it’s in a pull up. Score!
Finally, I will tell you my secret weapon. My mom eventually relaxed and just let me and my bowel movements alone. But, she couldn’t stop making these underhanded comments when changing my poopy diapers. Things like, “This would be a lot better if you’d just poop on the toilet like all your friends!” and “I wouldn’t have to wipe like this if you’d use the toilet!” and “You know, I’ve been doing this for 11 years and it’d be nice to finally be done with wiping butts all day.” If this happens to you, then do what I do: get a stash of pull ups and put them in different corners of the house. Then, when you have to do your business, you can steal away to do your thing (you can take off the big girl panties and use some stashed contraband pull ups) then take off the pull up, throw it away, and put your underwear back on–with no one the wiser. Until you start to stink. But by that time, your mom will have lots more to complain about than whether you poop in the toilet or not.
So, there you go. How to Survive Potty Training according to me, Sassy Princess. Don’t let ‘the man’ tell you when, where, and how you should pee. When it’s the right time, you’ll know it. Until then, stay strong, fellow toddlers!
“Can you hear me now? I don’t like this thing!”