I know you all think you know what I’m talking about. Every woman understands the many pitfalls of store dressing rooms. The awful lighting. The itty bitty sizing, so just when you thing you are one size, you actually have to go up another 10 just to fit into the stupid thing. The busted door that comes unlocked right when you have a shirt half off. The over sensitive door that locks behind you when you’ve only just stepped out for a second to see the full length mirror outside. The horrible fun house mirrors that distort every curve on your body.
All those things are bad. Very very bad. And heaven help us all when it’s bathing suit season or time to get a new pair of jeans.
But no amount of pain has prepared me for shopping with Sassy. Today she came with me and I was subjected to levels of humiliation heretofor unknown.
Whenever I would lift a top up to take it off, she’d bust in with her hands and knead my belly like it was some bread dough. “Oooooh! It’s so muuuuushy!” she’d squeal with excitement.
Whenever I bent over to get a pair of pants on, she’s bust in with her hands and slap my butt cheeks. When I told her that wasn’t OK with me, she started poking them vigorously. “Oooooh! It’s so muuuuushy!” she’d yell happily.
“Look at your belly, mamma! Look at it! It goes out, then down low!” she pointed out, referring to my muffin top in a particularly mis-sized pair of jeans.
“I don’t have a big belly like you do, do I?” she asked helpfully.
“My belly isn’t really that big, Sassy.” I replied.
“Well, but your booty is!” she rejoined.
“Yes, well, Sassy. I’ve had four babies in there! Four big, growing babies that needed a nice, big, strong mamma to help take care of them!” I can’t help but justify it, perhaps a little defensively. “You were in there too, and you liked to stretch out all the way from my ribs to my hootie hoo (I always use correct and proper private parts nomenclature with my kids). In fact, sometimes you would stretch out so long, I couldn’t sit down or eat! I just had to stand up or lay down really straight. So you see, you gave me this belly.”
That quieted her up for a bit.
“I WAS in your belly! When I was a baby!”
Silence! Finally, I could continue trying on clothes unmolested.
“Mamma! HOW DID I GET IN YOUR BELLY???? HOW???? AND HOW DID I GET OUT? DID I WALK OUT? OR CRAWL? WHERE DID I GET OUT FROM??? YOUR THROAT? YOUR EAR? DID YOU THROW ME UP??? WHEN I GOT OUT I SUCKED ON YOUR BOOB!!! FOR MILK!!! THAT’S SO FUNNY!!!!”
I heard a chuckle from the other dressing room. I briefly thought about sliding Sassy under the door and over to my neighbor who had a better sense of humor about all this than I did.
Filed under: Uncategorized |