Dressing Room Humiliation.

I know you all think you know what I’m talking about. Every woman understands the many pitfalls of store dressing rooms. The awful lighting. The itty bitty sizing, so just when you thing you are one size, you actually have to go up another 10 just to fit into the stupid thing. The busted door that comes unlocked right when you have a shirt half off. The over sensitive door that locks behind you when you’ve only just stepped out for a second to see the full length mirror outside. The horrible fun house mirrors that distort every curve on your body.

All those things are bad. Very very bad. And heaven help us all when it’s bathing suit season or time to get a new pair of jeans.

But no amount of pain has prepared me for shopping with Sassy. Today she came with me and I was subjected to levels of humiliation heretofor unknown.

Whenever I would lift a top up to take it off, she’d bust in with her hands and knead my belly like it was some bread dough. “Oooooh! It’s so muuuuushy!” she’d squeal with excitement.

Whenever I bent over to get a pair of pants on, she’s bust in with her hands and slap my butt cheeks. When I told her that wasn’t OK with me, she started poking them vigorously. “Oooooh! It’s so muuuuushy!” she’d yell happily.

“Look at your belly, mamma! Look at it! It goes out, then down low!” she pointed out, referring to my muffin top in a particularly mis-sized pair of jeans.

“I don’t have a big belly like you do, do I?” she asked helpfully.

“My belly isn’t really that big, Sassy.” I replied.

“Well, but your booty is!” she rejoined.

“Yes, well, Sassy. I’ve had four babies in there! Four big, growing babies that needed a nice, big, strong mamma to help take care of them!” I can’t help but justify it, perhaps a little defensively. “You were in there too, and you liked to stretch out all the way from my ribs to my hootie hoo (I always use correct and proper private parts nomenclature with my kids). In fact, sometimes you would stretch out so long, I couldn’t sit down or eat! I just had to stand up or lay down really straight. So you see, you gave me this belly.”

That quieted her up for a bit.

“I WAS in your belly! When I was a baby!”

Silence! Finally, I could continue trying on clothes unmolested.

“Mamma! HOW DID I GET IN YOUR BELLY???? HOW???? AND HOW DID I GET OUT? DID I WALK OUT? OR CRAWL? WHERE DID I GET OUT FROM??? YOUR THROAT? YOUR EAR? DID YOU THROW ME UP??? WHEN I GOT OUT I SUCKED ON YOUR BOOB!!! FOR MILK!!! THAT’S SO FUNNY!!!!”

I heard a chuckle from the other dressing room. I briefly thought about sliding Sassy under the door and over to my neighbor who had a better sense of humor about all this than I did.

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14 Responses

  1. ROFLMAO!! Great story.

  2. OMG, that is too funny.

    “Did you throw me up?” Bahahahahahahaha.

    I have to admit, now that my kids are 20 and 13, I find myself laughing at other people’s parenting adventures, a lot.

    I consider it a rite of passage.

    Our only reward for being embarrassed publicly by our children is getting to laugh at others who are going through the same thing.

  3. LOL…that is great thanks for the laugh! I have a 4 year old boy that I no longer go clothes shopping with for those very reasons – the world doesn’t have to hear him scream with delight over my HUGE belly button, and how he has a penis because hes a boy and momma doesnt because shes a girl. Or how he has car underwear and mommy has BIG pink underwear because, again, shes a girl. Nothing is ever a whisper.

  4. Yup.
    She could laugh.
    You didn’t hear anything coming over Her walls, did you???

  5. LOL!!! Sounds way too familiar!

  6. Yeah, I woulda laughed too. 😉 And thought, “thank GOD it’s not my kid for a change!” LOL

  7. lol…so you all DO know that kind of humiliation. 🙂

  8. This would have been a good day for The Naturalist to be babysitting!

  9. Shopping without kids is a luxury isn’t it? I’d have been laughing too – cuz it wasn’t my kid. Glad you are able to post and laugh a bit at it now.

  10. Oooh. I’ve been there. “Mommy! Your belly is HUGE!” Awesome.

  11. I’m seriously dying here!!! lol!! I had the big belly comment just a few days ago (sigh). And, sadly, I remember being a little (pre-teen) girl with my mom in a dressing room watching her trying stuff on and seeing her boobs and thinking (thankfully I kept this to myself), “I hope MINE never look like that” :0 Uh, well, mine probably look worse…lol.

  12. Perfect. Gotta love 4 year olds!

  13. hahahaha

  14. Okay, so two different times in VERY crowded public restrooms, my daughter at age 4 pointed to my pubes while I was pulling up my pants and shouted out, “Mommy, why do you have hair on your BUTT?” Obviously, it is all a butt to her. I felt so stupid walking out of that dressing room while everyone was wondering why I have hair on my butt. Sad. I feel your pain.

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