2e Tuesday::Getting over it.

I started writing this blog because I felt kind of alone on this journey through homeschooling and learning about 2e kids. Kids that were so gifted at some things, but who struggled so much at others. This became my place to vent, to question, to seek out other people who understood. I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of hours in the past 4 years on the internet…googling every phrase about education, child development, learning differences, giftedness, and reform. And now, in a full circle moment, google is sending other people searching those same things, here to my little blog. Which is why I love the questions and comments I read when I get on in the morning. A connection that makes me feel not so alone. So, today’s 2e post comes from a question and comment left for me–I thought it was such a good one, I’m bringing it up here to answer.

Referring to the fact that now I understand different learning styles for my younger kids, but had to learn the hard way with Naturalist, Krishna Leela asked:

Tiffany, Let me ask you one other thing. Now that I work in a completely different way with Swetha and when I see how nicely she responds my heart really goes out for Siva. I really wish I could have done it all with him. Even though I have tried every thing I could do to cover it, I wonder will he ever able to forgive me. How is it for Naturalist . Did she get over it ?

I have those feelings, too. Things are so different in our house now that Naturalist has blazed the way, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish I could start over with her, knowing what i know now. I watch how expressive and open my other two are, I see how supported and respected their ways of thinking are, and feel so badly that Naturalist didn’t have any of that for such a long long time. I have huge mother guilt over it. However, here’s what Naturalist (13 now) has taught me:

* kids don’t blame as much as we do. Did you do the best you could with what you knew? And did you continue trying, the more information you gathered? That’s the most anyone can do. No one’s perfect, especially parents! We don’t get a nifty manual with our kids, darn it. We just get intuition and lots of love. It’s not for him to forgive you, it’s for you to find forgiveness from yourself. And, when I asked Naturalist if she blamed me for anything, she said, “No, I blamed myself for being so stupid”. Which makes me feel even worse than if she’d have just given me all the blame, actually.

* it’s no use looking backwards. Do I wish I could go back and have a do over with Naturalist? yes, all the time. But all I have is today, and tomorrow, and all the tomorrows going forward. I can use what I know now to make them the best for my kids and myself. I can be present in her life today, and give her all the love, support, encouragement, and positive reinforcement that I didn’t give her for so many years before. It’s all we can do, and it is enough.

* I asked Naturalist if she’s ever gotten over it, her time in school and her time feeling so isolated, stupid, and inferior. She said, “I don’t think you ever get over something like that, but you get past it. You get through it. And you can accept it. I’ve accepted that I’m not as stupid as I thought I was. In most ways I’m smarter. And some things are still really hard, but it’s not because I’m stupid. I just think differently. And that’s OK.”

I asked her specifically what she’d say to you and your worries, and she said:

“Someday he’ll see what was happening then, and compare it with what is happening now, and he’ll appreciate how much you changed just for him.”

I hope we answered this well enough for you, thank you for the question!

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7 Responses

  1. All great points. And your daughter’s response to your question about whether she’s gotten over it should be your own personal A+ report card! What she said is exactly what we want our 2e kids to feel! We’re stll working on that over here–but I have hope!

  2. What a wise last response from Naturalist. That really shows maturity – and that you’ve done a great job in changing!

  3. Hi,
    That is a wonderful response from your dd. And she sounds so level headed with wisdom that even grown ups struggle to achieve. Your attitude is a great one indeed.
    -Subadra

  4. Naturalitst’s response brought tears to my eyes and a swell to my heart.

    Perhaps it was something I needed to hear (or in this case, read) too. Thank you so much for this post.

  5. Thank you so much for the post Tiffani. My eyes are filled with tears . May be one day my son will also tell me what he feels. Now he is too young for that.

    My hugs to Naturalist . Her words mean a lot to me. Right now I am so much taken up by the post I cant find words to express myself.

    And I came to the computer after a hectic spelling session realising again how much he will suffer even though he knows every single answer and may be even more. By the time exams are over, that is Dec.22 both of us will be exhausted to the core.

    Tiffani, you may be so far away. But I think you are destined to change so many lives ! http://krishnnaleela.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/the-invisible-thread-of-karma/

  6. I realise that every mother who work with an LD child would want to know the answer to this qn. And your answer is for all of them.

    And we will all cling to your words because you have proved with your life that all the effort we are taking is worth it.

    Naturalist, your mother will be so proud of you.

  7. […] Tiffani told me some thing more important. It’s not for him to forgive you, it’s for you to find forgiveness from yourself. it’s no use l… […]

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