PSA::How to Avoid a Speeding Ticket, Y’All!

We’re halfway to our new home state!

We drove about 9 hours today, and will do another 7 hours tomorrow–everyone is holding up well and there was surprisingly little whining about how long the car ride was. I’m glad I didn’t do the drive straight through thing…turns out, I’m exhausted. Not just tired, but wiped out. I think I’ve been riding high on an adrenaline rush the past 30 days, and now that the end is near it’s kind of wearing off a little.

I’ll save our goodbye’s to Colorado for another post, right now Sassy is waiting for me to snuggle with her in our hotel room. Instead, I’ll give a little PSA about avoiding a speeding ticket. So far, I’m 0-2 in getting one, and I think I have a pretty good method.

The first ticket I got out of, I was doing 75 in a 45 mph zone. Which was totally lame, because between Ouray, Co, and Denver the mostly 2 lane highway goes through nothing but open land…mostly at 75 mph. But there are strange pockets where it goes down to 45. I was in one of those pockets when I zoomed past 10 cars–one of them a police officer. It took me passing 5 more before I realized what I’d done. Obviously, he was right behind me at that point.

#1: Talk Country.

After I pulled over and he said, “I’ll need to see your drivers license, registration, and insurance” is when my plan started. It wasn’t a plan at that point, it was just my immediate reaction. “OMG! I’ve never been pulled over before! I have no idea what that means!” I drawled. When I get nervous, I adopt the Louisiana accent of a former roomate for some weird reason. It makes me sound Britney Spears stupid, and not the Britney “I’m speaking in an English accent” dumb but the Britney “We always drive with our babies on our lap down PCH! I’m country y’all!!!” dumb.

The police officer paused, then said, “They should be in your glove compartment.”

#2: Be ignorant and talk a lot.

I have a habit of talking fast and continuously when I’m nervous, with lots of nervous laughter. It also helps if you’ve recently ingested all this:

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I opened the glove compartment which spilled years of various receipts and other random crap out of it.

“OMG, I have no idea what’s in here. I shove everything in! I’ve never seen a registration card! Is it big or little?! My husband would know where it is, he gets pulled over all the time! Is it this one? This one? OMG, I am SO nervous y’all! With you just standing there, I’m getting all freaked out! No wonder my friend cried when she got pulled over! I had no idea the speed limit was 45, y’all! I don’t understand this road! It’s 75 and then BAM, all of a sudden 45! Why do they do that? It’s so confusing….”

all the while, I’m tossing paper at the police officer from the glove compartment…”Is this what you need? Is this it? OMG, I have so many pieces of paper in here y’all!”

#3: Be nice.

“I’m so sorry you have to sit here like this, waiting for everything. You have such important business to do than sit here waiting on me! I should call my husband to see where it is. I’m so nervous I can’t even remember my phone number! I’ll try to hurry it up, I want to get you back on the road protecting people! … ”

#4: Hope for the best.

By this time, the officer should be either charmed or totally annoyed. The first time, he was annoyed and amazed that anyone so completely ignorant could be driving a minivan. He gave me a warning just to make it all stop, I think. The second time, which was tonight (!!!) he was charmed. Although I think it’s BS that he pulled me over for going 86 in a 75 zone. Only 1 mile over the 10 mile accepted overspeed! He was also freezing his butt off, standing outside the car window shining a flashlight in to my glove compartment so I could see all the papers inside. The registration card I finally found was ’08, but by that time he’d had enough. “This is old. I suggest you throw it away and find your new one. But not now, don’t worry, I’m just giving you a warning to slow down, OK?”

I think that about does it. You should then be free to continue on your merry way!

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Hey, guess what? I finally am seeing some light at the end of the tunnel. 30 days of darkness, and today I saw lots and lots of light. Literally and figuratively. Thank you, Universe.

My creation

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14 Responses

  1. Oh, I love a good road trip! And a good Britney Spears impersonation! Together they are the bomb. Take care and have fun!

  2. I have little wonder that you are exhausted! Drive carefully!

  3. You were my last thought before I went to sleep last night. I was wondering whether you managed to leave or not…..glad you did!

    I’ve been pulled over a total of six times in my life by the police and I have never got a ticket, twice by the same policeman in the same week – that took some serious sweet talk!!

    I get goosebumps when I read your posts, because it is all so exciting and inspiring. So much so that last week I bought an old caravan which we are doing up to go and live on the coast for the Summer.

  4. Tiff, I read your night post by 4pm here. ( now it is 7pm 4th Feb. ) So I was wondering all thru the evening did u move or what. Even I am excited ! new place , new ways. And no pending works !
    Best wishes !

  5. Thinking of you Lady, and hoping it’s all going smoooooooothly!

  6. bwa ha ha! Tiff, you are so funny! Take me with you on your next roadtrip. We’ll grab my baby and put it on my lap right when the cop comes to the car! lol!! This had me rolling on the floor! So glad you can still find humor right now. sounds like getting out of the house helped. Keep us updated!!!

  7. omg, that was hilarious. i am glad that you still have such a good sense of humor even though you are wearing down. hang in there!!

  8. oh gosh, sooooo funny! i am in total awe of what you have accomplished in less than a month…..seriously blown away. and what a joy it is to follow your adventure. many more blessings to you along the way!

  9. Funny story, but watch out when you get to Cali, they aren’t so charmed with Britney here.
    Glad your on your way.
    And welcome to Cali-for-nia!!
    LOL

  10. I have to tell you I am completely amazed at how you’ve sustained your creative writing energy and positive attitude through this whole process the last month! This is good stuff!!

  11. Good lord! Where are you going??? I haven’t been here in sooo long! šŸ˜€

  12. I just read this post aloud to The Sisters, all of us gathered on the bed ’round the baby. I certainly did the accent justice and oh my GOSH we laughed!

    We decided that you get the southern accent from our aunt… whatsername, again? Molly? Mary? You know- that one.

    Hehehe!

  13. Boy oh boy….I don’t know what it is but you sure make everything sound like so much fun! I hope you are enjoying your trip! Be safe!

  14. you’ve got me laughing this morning! you’re right, that southern drawl thing does work! HA HA HA! oh how i wish your daughter had captured this on video. BWAHAHA!
    get some rest and SLOW DOWN! šŸ˜‰

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